That is just so... High School!

Middle school transitioned to high school and I was no longer required to go to the "special" classes. My brother was still in high school when I started and I became known as "JJ's little sister." He was not an outstanding academic but he was/is an amazing artist. I excelled him slightly in the academic field and held my own artistically. My brother was key influence on my life and in an attempt to gain his approval I joined the track team. I ended up being very good at track and together we were a small track dynasty. My track coach, bio teacher and idol was Mr. Pelkey. Through his belief in me I became one of the best athletes on the team and was undefeated for two seasons in indoor track. Mr. Pelkey simply believed I could succeed and that more than anything caused me to excel. Through this experience I have come to believe that it is teachers' and parent's expectations more than any other factor which will determine whether a child will excel academically.

Beyond the academic there were many people who were vital to the evolution of my person. The one I write about now is James Euto. Through most of my life until I meet James I was a sort of shy person and very self-conscious. James was a total extrovert and one of the most outwardly carefree people that I have ever known. He would laugh loudly while walking down the hallway and crack jokes all the time - many of which were at his expense (although no one was safe). I hope I learned from James how to laugh at myself and how to keep a sense of humor about life. He and I have grown apart and I think college changed him a great deal and I miss him.

My best friend in high school was Beej. I have no recollection of how we met but it might have been through this guy I had a crush on. Anyway, they were some of my only close female friends. I guess of all the losses I have suffered hers was the worst. I will fill in more details of our adventures as I have time.

There were many other people who were special and influential in Potsdam and I will try to write about each one.

Ernst Jamie Tomi Tim Peter
Photo history - cool, huh? I do not think all the photos are in chronological order but I will write about them in order. Ernst was my first real boy friend. We met my freshman year in high school. His parents were on sabbatical from Chico state - working at Potsdam State. He was very much a Californian and had a somewhat difficult time fitting in. Of course this is how I remember things - that does not mean it is how they really were. Time does strange things to memory which is why I have gotten into the habit of writing things as I go - to try and preserve the actuality. Well, that was a digression.. where was I .. ah, yes Ernst. He was a 'bad' boy hanging out with Chris Demorest (sp) - known trouble maker I had known since I moved to Potsdam. Ernst was a claimed anarchist, well as much of one as one can be at 14/15. I wish I could remember how we had started dating - if he asked me or I asked him - I cannot remember. Some of the memories I have with him were walking all around town, walking very close but not touching (I was VERY innocent). There were days of courting and it was a wonderful time. I remember seeing Out of Africa and The Color Purple with him and always the walking around talking - even in the rain.

The time went by quickly and his parent's sabbatical was eventually over and they moved back to California. It was very traumatic. We exchanged email and he came back to visit - to go to their cabin at Chazy. The days at the cabin were great fun. The dark moment was the time he fell off his skate board and got a concussion. He would get sick and dizzy and we had to rush him off to the hospital. I remember riding the back of their car with him, shielding his eyes from the sun as we drove. Eventually it fell apart as things do when dealing with huge distances and you are 14 years old. It took years to get over my feelings for him Some of that I believe is due to the fact that the relationship was always perfect. He was taken away before it had a chance to go bad.

I could write pages about Tim since he and I were together off and on for three years. I was still in the throws of my feelings for Ernst when I was swept away by Tim. I met him at Higley state park - as it turns out he was friends with the Morgan's - who had been friends of the family for years and years. We had our ups and downs as do all relationships. Most of my neurotic tendencies I can trace back to my time with Tim. He can probably say the same. He was so popular and handsome and since I had no self-esteem I was easily enamored. After all we went through we ended up being very good friends and he is married now and has a baby - time certainly marches on. There is much more I could say here but I am not sure where to start of where it would end.

Peter was a track runner from Brockville. We met at an indoor track meet in Canton. He was so perfect when he ran I could not believe it. We never really went out but had a great time writing each other and I went to his senior year prom. It was kind of interesting because I had to cross the Canadian border to get there. I guess the border guards had heard stranger requests because they did not blink an eye. Peter was one of the kindest people I ever met. I was not capable of making the kind of long distance commitment needed to have a relationship with him but if I had had any sense I would have tried harder.

In my junior year I was an AFS exchange student to Finland where I meet Tomi. Not a great deal to talk about here. He was a total fun loving guy! We would go out with our friends and basically have a great time. I found his looks so appealing because he looked like a cat. Finland was kind of different with their schooling. Tomi was heading in to trade school. I do not remember exactly what he was going to study, but school had two tracts - college bound and trade school. My host sister was college bound to become a translator I believe, she spoke something like five languages fluently. This was one of the reasons I was there - to help her with her English. One of the stories I often tell regarding Tomi was language related. The Finnish language does not really have the 'SH' sound.. (which is why they pronounced my name sauna - with a long U sound). This lead to the most interesting attempts to swear in English, it was always SIT! because they could just not get the shhhh sound in there.

I write a little about Jamie above but not enough. It is difficult to capture in words an era in your life but I guess I can try. James was a grade or two below me in school and again, I cannot remember the first time I considered him romantically. He was a jokester in school, always making fun of himself and those around him. I should of brought all his letters home with me - they were all put into a drawer of my vanity at home. Just looking at them made me want to cry. I do not like the word regret but talking about Jamie is one time when I often use it. He was so much fun to be around - just bursting with energy. His life was not easy, his mother divorced and his brothers all grown up and gone away. He was on his own a great deal. He and his mother lived on the back hannawa rd in a geodesic(sp?) home. His 'room' was up this tiny spiral case at the top of the middle dome. The room itself had no true walls, more like ledges so you would not fall off into the kitchen. There were no corners to put things into - one of those things you don't think of when you decide to move into a round house. I suppose this is all neither here nor there but as Mindy reported to Patrick, these pages are mainly here for my amusement and I do not really expect anyone to read this babbling. As I was typing.. Jamie. I think I knew him for a while before the sparks flew.. the first encounter that I remember was in art class. I was working in the back during a 'junior' class and they were doing some painting and James was getting a brush. It was one of those poofy water color brushes, he walked by me and grinned, "Mine is big and fluffy, is YOUR'S big and fluffy too?" I was totally embarrassed and I think I threatened to kill him but did not. Not quite the most romantic way to start a relationship. *mental shrug* What happened between then and when we started dating is totally lost to me but soon we were deeply entangled.
It was not an easy time for either of us because I was still officially dating Tim. I had been trying to get out of the relationship for a long time but felt trapped by the history and what I saw as Tim's need for me. James himself was having a tough time with the man his mother was dating but we managed to survive (mainly). Life was much easier once I broke up with Tim although it was difficult and I must say breaking up with people continues to be one of the most difficult parts of life.

Since neither of us had much money one of our main entertainments was dancing. He cared so little for what people thought he was able to get into the music and just dance and have a great time. Again, I realize how lucky I have been to know people like James. I can see all the parts of me which are colored with his essence. Even up to the last time I saw him Christmas before last quite recently when we are together there is a strange and powerful spark. I did not get the chance to see him over this Christmas break - I guess that is a good thing. I would have just asked him to move out to California and start over with school and life. Not that I have any right to judge his life as it is but I am so jealous of his intelligence that it wounds me to know he is working as a short order cook. Damn.